the uncertainty of the future isn’t getting to me as much as the restlessness and idleness of the present. i can feel myself regaining the energy to drive towards something. something important, something i care about. where my stuck-ness is coming from is not knowing what that is. what is that i want to drive towards? i feel pulled in many different ways and see paths going in many different directions. i feel grateful that i feel like i have options (do i really though? at this point have not done a temp check on the current job market or where my opportunities really stand). call it blind optimism, i think it’s just i’m at the point where i believe in my capability. i believe that i am capable of what i want to do.
some introspection. not much growth or momentum on makes. lots of time knitting on planes & comfy chairs in welcoming places, working on winter sweaters in 90% humidity. no time in one place long enough to sew. running when i can, but feeling disconnected from body due to constant travel & foreign beds & lack of yoga. but that’s okay for now. those things will come back in the right time.
traveling a lot. started the month in michigan. thrown into a wonderful new family. it’s special to be around people who love each other so much, everything is on the surface even when people are too close to see it. home for 2 days. back to the sticky south where time slows to move as lethargically as the heat makes everyone feel. i love it. in asheville, in macon. old music towns. driving through the southeast. places that feel and have felt like home but time keeps pushing that further away. aging family and mortality in my face on unexpected and expected fronts taking its emotional toll. which is good. good to get out of my head. good to get out of my slump of an august. good to focus on things other than me. bigger things. things that truly matter.
up to boston, seeing new cities & places. i love new places. they slap you into the present and at the same time force you to reflect on yourself and where you are now. how does it compare to here? do you want to be here? how do people live here? how is life here? look how novel! it is so special to go places you’ve never been before. and oh so important. even better to do so regularly.
time in maine reminding me of my old first home of the PNW. and missing it so much. how i miss fall and crisp air and the changing of seasons. my main driver for wanting to leave this eternal paradise of socal.
spending time with old friends who make you feel like yourself. spending time with old matriarchs of my family who remind me where i come from and what i’m made of. spending time in old places where so much history took place.
back to home, where my family is visiting to celebrate a milestone. four crazy dogs typically outweighing the number of people. pure, wonderful chaos that is so special but also so easy to get caught up in. a whirlwind after weeks of travel, my feet have yet to feel grounding.
back to the mountains, another home. backpacking with my family, back to how it started. everything felt right. so comfortable to be doing something that you’ve done for as long as you know with the people you’ve known the longest. in the thin mountain air thoughts disappear. the altitude brain fog can work in your favor.
where all you’re thinking about and focusing on day to day is where are we going, how are we getting there, what will we eat, and please let me sleep well tonight. lots of time on the trail alone and lots of time awake in my sleeping bag at 2am to have the other thoughts, the realizations and reasonings. i think experiences like these open up new pathways of thinking that can be very therapeutic.
ended september in the high sierras, fighting off a cold at 11,000 ft and happy as ever. knowing more to come in october and a lot of decisions needing to be made rather quickly. but that can all wait.
